Divine Romance

The past month-and-a-half or so has been the hardest of my life. I’ve experienced pain that I was certain was unquantifiable. I’ve been through periods of utter loneliness, and cold, cold despair. Every day is a fight against depression and hopelessness, and there are days that I go to sleep not sure of who’s really won.

In this past month-and-a-half I have also experienced God’s presence in a way that has made my heart and mind a wreck of passion and discovery. Because of the pain I have gone through, I am able to fellowship with my Abba in a way that is just so humbling. Thinking about it now makes me want to just stop writing and cancel this post because there is no way that my words can do my Savior justice.

I recent weeks I have encountered my God on such an intimate profundity. I wish I could take everyone to that sacred place with me to - to meet my Abba together. But, honestly, at the same time, my heart shrinks at the thought. Those moments are mine and my Abba’s. Too holy and precious and intimate and naked-honest for others to come along.

About a week ago, on a particularly heavily trying day, I found myself struggling to find joy, and with tears on my face I whispered to my Abba a desperate plea,

“Romance me.”

Woo my heart to fall in love with Yours, Abba. That was my aching desire. It was a novel idea to me, and at the same time as old as the sun.

I ached for my first love to love me. I wanted to be His bride. And I wanted Him to romance me.

Last night, however, this desire was challenged and expanded. In a study of what is known as The Great Commission (Matt. 28:16-20), I met and fell in love with a new (to me) characteristic of Jesus Christ.

Jesus allows the disciples to worship. He receives their worship andthen He speaks. When He speaks, He addresses the doubters and reaffirms the worshipers by reminding them of who He is. Then, He gives them a command - entrusts them with a task. Lastly, He encourages them. The perfect Master.

Those are my notes on Matt. 28:16-20. I met the Perfect Master.

And then, again with tears in my eyes, my cry was a desperate, “Abba, let me romance you!”

At that moment, I was newly struck with how dire my need for the love of my Savior is. And I am not only referring to an emotional need… I am talking about all of me. I need my Savior’s love. ANA in her entirety needs JESUS in His glorious entirety.

My cry was, “Abba, show me how to make You fall in love with me.”

Don’t misunderstand me, please. I realize that my God’s love is unconditional. I fully understand this. I know that there is no way I can earn or lose His love. Still, my longing is to please Him, to romance Him. I suppose this is about me mending my relationship with my Abba. I know I have hurt Him, and I never, ever want to do that again. No. What I want is to engage in the beautiful, divine romance.

There have been days that I really am not sure I can even make it out of bed. Sometimes anxiety grips my heart and I pace. I pace a lot. I hate pacing, because when I start pacing I know that I’m about to lose it. I pace in circles, as if hoping that if I keep walking maybe I’ll eventually find myself somewhere different - somewhere better, somewhere my heart does not feel like it’s being stripped raw.

And then, I remember. I think of Calvary. I think of Jesus, pacing in Gethsemane, feeling like the whips that would soon rip His back to shreds were already tearing the flesh away from His very heart. I think of Him, and the truly unquantifiable pain He went through and my anxiety begins to turn to gratitude…

Because truly, what can I do but be grateful? In this pain I am experiencing, I get to share a taste of the bitter cup He drank from. And once again, I want nothing but to romance Him.