The semester has come to an end for me, and I must say I am bitterly disappointed.

My grades are not what I wanted them to be, and the same little chant repeats itself in my head over and over, "I could have done better... I could have tried harder." And, truth is, I probably could have done better, tried harder. Unfortunately, I didn't. I messed up. I blew it.

Again.

Story of my life.

I'd always heard that people who struggle with EDs are often perfectionists by nature. I have never considered myself a perfectionist. Recently, however, I have come to the conclusion that I am the worst kind of perfectionist. The kind that is disturbed and troubled by imperfection but rarely does anything about it, just lets the annoyance and dissatisfaction storm and simmer in her mind till it drives her mad. When she does take action, it is in the most ridiculous, "easy-way-out-fad-diet" way - and I'm not just talking about eating here.

The thing is, I go from one extreme to the other. I'll go for long periods of time understanding that there are things I can't control. All the while, however, imperfection will be nagging at my patience at the back of my mind. Eventually it gets to the point where I explode and I'll do anything just to feel like I'm in control - like I've done my part in perfecting my imperfections.

Now, why the bipolarity of my nature?

Because I fail to seek God first.

Over, and over, and over.

I rely on my own strength. Why? I don't know. It doesn't make any sense to me. I see the very obvious benefits of having the All-Powerful, All-Knowing, Ever-Merciful, Ever-Loving God of the universe backing me up in my Truth-seeking endeavors. Yet, I still choose to do things on my wimpy own.

That's another thing! This is my search for TRUTH. "I am the Way, and the TRUTH, and the Life," says my Jesus. But I ignore Him.

A few nights ago I was lying in bed, almost in tears, asking God why things were becoming so hard in this search, why old temptations and fears kept coming back after years of silence.

Because I cannot do this on my own.

I need to leave my fleshly, power-hungry, control-addict ways.

God give me humility, show me how small I am compared to You, come make me weak.

I love you guys. Thanks for your love and prayers.
You all are awesome.
God has blessed me enormously through each and every one of you.

"I need you to make me weak
I have made my world my own
I've made it my own
And I have never, ever been so alone"