prom dresses and my [not so] fun dates with satan

First of all, thank you guys for your commitment to pray for me and back me up. You guys are great. All of yesterday and today I've been caught in a whirlwind of emotions - I'm feeling giddy with excitement about what God's going to do with this, nervous about what it's gonna take to get to Truth, lost as to how to go about this search for Truth, and oh-so-suicidal. This whole thing totally goes against any instincts of self-preservation I may have.

So, again - thank you SO much. You guys are crazy awesome.

Yesterday was a crazy day. Jesse and I were out all day looking for a dress I could wear to prom. Maybe you don't understand just how mind-blowing this is. . . Three years ago it was hard for me to eat in front of other people, especially my boyfriend. There was no way that I would have allowed Jesse to come dress-shopping with me three years ago. There would have been junkload of anxiety and lies going through my head (What if I have buy a bigger size? What if I look fat in the dress? Etc, etc.). But there was none of that yesterday... God has really pulled me through...

Our first stop was the mall, just because there's so many stores there - I thought I was bound to find something. We looked through several stores, but to no avail. I had vowed to boycott Charlotte Russe because of their ridiculously strange sizes, but as we passed the store. . . I reasoned that since I only had a few hours to find a dress before I had to go to prom, a trip to Charlotte Russe might be necessary.

But of course, the first dress I picked up and looked at sent me on a spiel of outrage. I honestly don't even remember what it looked like anymore. All I can remember is a '9' on the tag of a dress that looked like a '5' or a '3'. Not that being a 9 is wrong. Lying is wrong. I remember the first time I shopped at Charlotte Russe. It was a while back, when my weaknesses were weaker. I was trying on a dress of my usual size, but had to get a size or two larger because my usual size didn't fit. It doesn't seem like a big deal to me right now, but back then... it was like Satan was standing there in that dressing room with me, sneering at the ugly girl in the mirror.

So needless to say, I stormed out of the store, ranting off on how jerk this world is to girls, with poor Jesse trying to keep me in a rational state of mind.

Later that day, I thought I had finally found a dress at Penney's. It was beautiful, kind of sixties prom dress but shorter and with a fuller skirt. Jesse decided that the print looked Japanese, and I added that maybe more like Japanese pop art. Point is - I fell in love with the dress, and decided it was the one. So I went into the dressing rooms to try it on, happy that I'd found the dress with enough time to get ready. As soon as I stepped out and looked in the mirror, I felt myself falling in this deep, dark pit. I did not like what I saw in the mirror. I felt gross and dirty and ugly and unworthy. Satan was there again.

Thankfully, the dress was also not-so-modest when I put it on, so I was able to use that as my reason for not buying the dress. When Satan went on and on about how pathetic and disgusting it was that I couldn't look good in such a lovely dress, I shoved in his face that the dress was immodest and, thus, not so lovely.

I don't know if my ranting today made any sense to you all. Like I said, yesterday was a crazy day, filled with a lot of good but draining conversations about beauty and modesty and girls and EDs, so some of yesterday's ideas and revelations are kind of mashed up in my head.

I think I'll recap what I think are the two main points of today's rant:

- Dressing rooms are ideal sites for Satan and I to go on fun little dates.
- You need to be wary of stores like Charlotte Russe. Remember that the thing on the tag is just a number. If it fits - good. If it doesn't - good, look for something else.

I'd like to end with a question.

Have you ever had experiences similar to my dressing room experiences? It may be with a different struggle, but I'd like to know. And I'd like to know what you did to focus on Truth, if you did anything at all, and what that Truth was. Comment your response below, or email me (anachapa@live.com).

Take care. Praying for you. I love you guys tons.